Weight Loss Sabotage: What am I afraid of??

Today's post is a personal one. But it's good for me to write about it, and i hope it is good for you to ponder and apply to your own struggle.
I have never lost 30 pounds. I have gained 100, lost 20, gained it back, lost 25, gained it back, but never lost 30 pounds. Now I am on my way to losing 30 pounds. I don't know what that is going to look like or feel like. And I am starting to get a glimpse of my skinnier self. All of this is terrifying to me, and as a result, i keep sabotaging myself.

Last night I found out that one of sisters-in-law has cancer (we'll call her Katie). Although Katie is one of the strongest women I know, and she has a wonderful, supportive family, I was very sad and concerned for the family last night. So I ate a half bag of almond M&M's. Or so that was my excuse. I can't deny that i am a HUGE emotional eater. I eat when I am stressed. But guess what??? There is always going to be stress. There are always going to be things that life throws at me. This is not a reason to abuse myself. I must learn to take care of myself no matter what the circumstances!!!! I could have gone for a walk, or played with my dogs, or crocheted something, or made her a card. Instead, I ate candy. Today I have a little headache in the middle of my forhead. Part of it is from crying, but most of it is from the dang sugar I poisoned myself with.

Now the other issue. The issue of losing 30 pounds. Another excuse!! The FEAR FACTOR. I am afraid of the unknown. Who isn't??? But I know that Faith and Fear cannot coexist, first of all. And secondly, what am I afraid of??? Well, I'll tell you what I'm afraid of if you promise to not spread it around.
 I am afraid of shrinking.How will I be fully respected by my peers and my huge 5th graders if I am tiny? How will I be heard?

I am afraid of what people will think. (I know, but bear with me). Will people think I am a snot? Will they perceive differences in my personality as a result of my weight loss? Will I become less friendly?? (DO I THINK THIN PEOPLE ARE LESS FRIENDLY?????) What the heck??

When I was young and thin, I was not very virtuous, if you know what I mean. Will I slide back into those horrible behaviors? This is such a ridiculous fear, now that I see it in print. I am not the person I was 20 years ago. I am nothing like her. Even if something should happen and I would end up single, I would not ever be able to behave like that again. I am so much more than I was.

And finally, what does life look like as a thin person? Looking at the world from the inside out. I know my place as a fat person. I know what to expect when i pass my reflection on the street. Will I recognize myself? I have very small bones, so when I look at my wrists and hands, I see those of a thin person. My legs from the knees down are those of a thin person. What happens when I look at my thighs and they look thin?? Or my waist?? It's like going through a huge growth spurt but backwards. Adolescents have to learn to adjust their balance and their personal space as they grow. I will have to also, as i shrink. 

For lots of these fears, I have no answers. I must forge ahead and find the answers as I go. For some of them, I have started to think through them and realize they are unfounded. As I continue on this journey, I hope to keep growing and learning and getting stronger and thinner, and less afraid. If you have discovered the antidote to any of the fears mentioned, please comment!! I could use the support. :o)  I will be sure to do the same.

Hugs to all!!

HEALTHY foods to avoid

This blog is dedicated to my son's friend "Tick" (a pseudonym). Tick is a formerly skinny kid who wants to bulk up and build muscle and is doing a great job of it!! To his dismay, lately, he has been losing weight!! Now Tick is a healthy kid, too. So he doesn't wanna go and stuff his face with McDonald's in order to gain weight. So I told him I would blog about what healthy foods I have to avoid while losing weight. Maybe if he eats these things, he can GAIN weight and stay "healthy" at the same time. So this is for you, Tick!!

While I am losing weight there are certain foods which are normally healthy which must be avoided in order for the weight to drop off. Here are some that I can think of. Naturally, if you are trying to GAIN weight, you would eat more of these. Oh to be 20 years old again...

Bananas: This is one of the only fruits that I can't have. I am sure there is waaay too much sugar in them.

Carrots, Peas, Corn: Normally healthy vegetables that I can't eat because they contain large amounts of sugar and carbs, compared to other veggies.

Beans Great source of fiber, and very nutritious, but too high in carbs for me.

Pork Too salty. I can't have it. Ever.

Red meat: I can have lean red meat 2x a week ONLY, and not on consecutive days. Same with canned tuna. The latter is too high in salt.

Bread: For me, a serving of bread or any "starch" has to be under 50 calories. I can have one slice of 45 calorie diet bread for a starch serving. A couple of Melba toast rounds also works.

Rice: Only brown rice, 1/4 of a cup.

So, Tick, enjoy these healthy foods and see if this helps you to stop losing. To anyone reading this that wants to lose some weight, try cutting out some of these otherwise healthy foods, and see if it makes a difference to you.

Exercise, The workplace challenge

We all know the importance of exercise. As a matter of fact, here is an article by the Mayo Clinic on 7 serious benefits of exercise!! http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/exercise/HQ01676

Here is another benefit to exercise that the Mayo Clinic forgot to tell you. When I was in the 7th grade, I was in the Catholic school spelling bee and didn't make the first round because i failed to spell the word "exercise" on the preliminary written round. The next year, I made 3rd place in the district after I figured out that there is ONE X, ONE C, and ONE S in the word "exercise" and each of those stands alone. So! If you are familiar with exercise, it could also help you win spelling bees.

Now I have signed up for my workplace fitness challenge. Participants were required to select a fitness level to make the challenge more fair. Beginners have to exercise 2x a week to meet their goal, and intermediates have to exercise 4 times. Guess what I picked? Intermediate! I guess I will BE intermediate by the end of the challenge, but I really am a beginner right now. The reason I picked INTERMEDIATE is because I want to push myself to exercise 4 times a week!! Yes, I lost all my weight so far without really exercising. That's how bad my eating habits were!! Now I am starting to get flabby in some places, so it is TIME for me to exercise!!! If you are like me, you would be worried about setting yourself up to fail, as I am. But I got a free t-shirt and really cool pedometer out of the deal, so how could I fail??

I wanted to buy a STREET STRIDER for myself when I lost 40 pounds, but dh (dear husband) is not supporting that idea. Street Striders are elipitical bicycles that you ride outside! Problem is, they cost around $1300. But WOW!! NEWSFLASH! I just found something similar on Amazon.com   http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=streetstrider&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=7987878099&ref=pd_sl_59bv45q24l_e 
that is only $550!!! I bet dh would go for that!! Well 40 pounds is still 16 pounds away, so in the meantime, I am gonna get in shape for my elliptical bike. By the way, I also just learned that Sears is now selling Street Striders. Cool!

Here is the plan, if you want to join me: At least 4 times this week I am either going to the gym and/or walking my dogs. That's it. SIMPLE. I do want to succeed at my workplace fitness challenge. And I don't want to be embarrassed to wear the shirt that says TRIM in big letters on the back (which is the name of the challenge). How does one wear a shirt that says TRIM when one is filling very CHUBBY?!?! Therefore, I must exercise. Besides, if the Mayo Clinic says there are benefits, then you KNOW it's true!!! :o)

My first ever blog post

Hello everyone! Or just Tessa. LOL.
Today I learned how to cook fresh shrimp for the first time in my life. It's gray and ugly when it comes out of the package but it was so easy. I bought the de-veined and peeled kind, but the tails were still on. I defrosted it in a strainer with cold water from the sink. Then i heated up my little saute pan and added about a tsp of minced garlic and about a tbsp of diet margarine. I put the shrimp in the pan and flipped it around with a spatula until it turned pink and started to curl up a little. Then I took it out of the pan and ATE it!!! YUMMY!!!
I am not a very good cook. Or maybe I should say, not very confident. But let me back up a little. I have enrolled myself in a diet program that has counselors available to me 6 days a week. I bought the shrimp because it is one of the things on the food list that I am allowed to have. (But not the kind that's already pink cuz it is supposedly full of sodium). So I was determined to figure out how to make it. My counselor told me what to do. She gave me the boost to get over my fears and just try it. I think it came out great!!
I don't think the fancy diet program is a must for everyone, but for me to lose weight, it definitely IS a must. I need the structure and accountability. I have to go in to the center at LEAST 3 times a week and show them my FOOD DIARY!!! Oh, the horrors of it all!! Anyway, it is working for me. :-)
I am learning sooo much about how to eat healthy and how to lose weight and how to help myself with my addiction to food that is bad for me. I know this blog will help me to keep track of my thinking about all of this. I hope this blog will help you, too.