Weight Loss Sabotage: What am I afraid of??

Today's post is a personal one. But it's good for me to write about it, and i hope it is good for you to ponder and apply to your own struggle.
I have never lost 30 pounds. I have gained 100, lost 20, gained it back, lost 25, gained it back, but never lost 30 pounds. Now I am on my way to losing 30 pounds. I don't know what that is going to look like or feel like. And I am starting to get a glimpse of my skinnier self. All of this is terrifying to me, and as a result, i keep sabotaging myself.

Last night I found out that one of sisters-in-law has cancer (we'll call her Katie). Although Katie is one of the strongest women I know, and she has a wonderful, supportive family, I was very sad and concerned for the family last night. So I ate a half bag of almond M&M's. Or so that was my excuse. I can't deny that i am a HUGE emotional eater. I eat when I am stressed. But guess what??? There is always going to be stress. There are always going to be things that life throws at me. This is not a reason to abuse myself. I must learn to take care of myself no matter what the circumstances!!!! I could have gone for a walk, or played with my dogs, or crocheted something, or made her a card. Instead, I ate candy. Today I have a little headache in the middle of my forhead. Part of it is from crying, but most of it is from the dang sugar I poisoned myself with.

Now the other issue. The issue of losing 30 pounds. Another excuse!! The FEAR FACTOR. I am afraid of the unknown. Who isn't??? But I know that Faith and Fear cannot coexist, first of all. And secondly, what am I afraid of??? Well, I'll tell you what I'm afraid of if you promise to not spread it around.
 I am afraid of shrinking.How will I be fully respected by my peers and my huge 5th graders if I am tiny? How will I be heard?

I am afraid of what people will think. (I know, but bear with me). Will people think I am a snot? Will they perceive differences in my personality as a result of my weight loss? Will I become less friendly?? (DO I THINK THIN PEOPLE ARE LESS FRIENDLY?????) What the heck??

When I was young and thin, I was not very virtuous, if you know what I mean. Will I slide back into those horrible behaviors? This is such a ridiculous fear, now that I see it in print. I am not the person I was 20 years ago. I am nothing like her. Even if something should happen and I would end up single, I would not ever be able to behave like that again. I am so much more than I was.

And finally, what does life look like as a thin person? Looking at the world from the inside out. I know my place as a fat person. I know what to expect when i pass my reflection on the street. Will I recognize myself? I have very small bones, so when I look at my wrists and hands, I see those of a thin person. My legs from the knees down are those of a thin person. What happens when I look at my thighs and they look thin?? Or my waist?? It's like going through a huge growth spurt but backwards. Adolescents have to learn to adjust their balance and their personal space as they grow. I will have to also, as i shrink. 

For lots of these fears, I have no answers. I must forge ahead and find the answers as I go. For some of them, I have started to think through them and realize they are unfounded. As I continue on this journey, I hope to keep growing and learning and getting stronger and thinner, and less afraid. If you have discovered the antidote to any of the fears mentioned, please comment!! I could use the support. :o)  I will be sure to do the same.

Hugs to all!!